Last night I stumbled. I failed.

Not in a new area, mind you. This particular issue has stalked me most of my life. Disappointing to see how easily I fell into old thinking patterns, misguided messages and twisted beliefs, not to mention the dishonorable actions in their wake.

When I awoke this morning, the sense of guilt, resignation, and failure stuck to me like a wet blanket too bulky and cumbersome to shove away.

If you pay attention to the rumblings of your inner dialog, no doubt you've felt the weight of these same moments.  Like a reluctant pup who just peed on the carpet for yet another time, I whimpered to God in my best contrite voice, quick to remind Him how often I've failed, how frequently I've proved my worthlessness.  For over thirty-six years, this collapse in character has dogged me.  For the last fourteen, I've lived in deeper and deeper awareness of its pervasive, destructive impact.

Yet, I find myself failing.  Again.

As I began the declaration, telling my True Father how much I regretted the need to have the same repetitive conversation, he stopped me before the words escaped my mouth.  It seems I had forgotten something essential.  I had forgotten the essential Truths.

What are the essential Truths?

• God knows me. He's known me all along. Both past, present, and all future potential thoughts and actions.

• And in the midst of knowing me, God loves me.  Intimately.  As a son.  Not like a son, but as a son.  Not pretend or imaginary or some religious dogma with no teeth in the real world.  True reality.

• And my failures, whether I often or seldom repeat them, no longer have the right--nor the power--to define me.  I am known.  I am loved.  I am a son and I am free.  My True Identity is secured in a True Father.

Though other voices beckon me toward distraction, disappointment, and defeat--and my natural inclination is resignation--my True Father reminds me that I'm not still failing... I'm still in the fight. 

I've been looking at losses with the wrong lenses.

Struggles and setbacks aren't proof of failure.  They are proof of life.

If you're in the same situation--struggling but still want restoration--then you are not losing, you are not failing. You are still fighting.  And that's a win!  Lyrics from Switchfoot (one of my favorite bands) state, "the shadow proves the sunshine."  Struggle proves we're still in this thing.  Alive.  Fighting. Swimming against the tide.  Otherwise, there would be no struggle.

As the ancient Jewish prophet, Micah, said, "Don’t, enemy, crow over me.  I’m down, but I’m not out.  I’m sitting in the dark right now, but God is my light.  I can take God’s punishing rage.  I deserve it—I sinned.  But it’s not forever.  He’s on my side and is going to get me out of this.  He’ll turn on the lights and show me his ways."

So, along with me, in those deep, dark moments after a defeat, do not give up.  Do not lose heart.  Remember the First Truths from a True Father--the deepest reality which never changes with our mistakes--and get back up.

Again.